Beaus with Bel – 10 Commandments For Dating a Vampire

Published November 25, 2010
Category: By the Bel, Columns

I tell you, I’m friends with quite a few vampires around the world. I even worked for a famous one for a while. Anyways, I decided to have a bit of fun with the ten commandments for my tips for dating a Vampire. (You know, that cute one who lives next door, who you’ve been friends with for ages) *eyebrow wiggle*.

TEN: ‘You shall not covet your neighbour’s house; you shall not covet your neighbor’s wife, nor his male servant, nor his female servant, nor his ox, nor his donkey, nor anything that is your neighbours.’
~ If you want something he has, circle it in catalogues and leave it lying around his house so he can get an idea of what gifts to buy you. If you’re yearning after an ox or a donkey, in this day and age, you may need more help than he can give you.

NINE: ‘You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor.’
~ Nobody likes a liar. If he asks if there’re bits of his dinner in his fangs, tell him the truth.

EIGHT: ‘You shall not steal.’
~ He’ll know if you borrowed that Nine Inch Nails CD. Be sure to give it back.

SEVEN: ‘You shall not commit adultery.’
~ Who wants a girlfriend who can’t be faithful? Not him, obviously.

SIX: ‘You shall not murder.’
~ Yeah, he doesn’t want to die. Talk with words, not a stake.

FIVE: ‘Honor your father and your mother.’
~ He’ll probably want to be around you a fair bit, so you’ll both have to get on the good side with the respective parental units.

FOUR: ‘Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy.’
~He’ll really want to spend Halloween with you. Keep the day free on your calendar. Oh, and if Ozzy Osbourne tours again, be prepared to party hearty.

THREE: ‘You shall not take the name of the LORD your God in vain.’
~ Avoid using the names of the higher powers. I.E. God, Jesus, Allah, etc, it will make him choke on his soft drink.

TWO: ‘You shall not make for yourself a carved image–any likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth.’
~ He’s probably on the run from a vampire hunter (or some crackpot who thinks they are one). So don’t lead the hunter right to him by posting his picture all over your FB. Not even those pics of him in his hot board shorts at the beach with his shirt off.

ONE: ‘You shall have no other gods before Me.’
~ Really I think what it means here is: once you go Drac, you’ll never go back.