Jamie's Tips for Dating Zombies

Jamie Says:

For hundreds of years the Zombie has been a creature of fear and loathing. But what about the sweeter side of this undead menace? Be it out of curiosity or genuine love for these shambling individuals you may be tempted to try and date them.

Here are three methods of starting a relationship with a Zombie and ten tips that will help you survive it.

Forming a relationship with a Zombie:

• Voodoo: Treating the object of your desire to a dinner of puffer-fish and datura plant is a tried and tested method of forming a bond that will stand the test of time. Sure, conversation will be one-sided but you will never have to do housework ever again.
• Viral Outbreak: The old adage of “There are plenty more fish in the sea” takes on a whole new meaning during a Zombie outbreak. The tough part has already been done so now it is just up to you to pick the partner of your dreams from the thousands roaming the streets.
• Raising the dead: This method is more of an acquired taste than the other two. The girl or guy of your dreams may have just shuffled off their mortal coil or perhaps you would like a partner of many different parts. Just stitch them together and raise the lightning rod. Sparks are sure to fly when they lurch off the operating table.

Things to remember when dating a Zombie:

• A Zombie partner prefers their weather cold. This stops them drying out or rotting. You will probably need to wrap up warm when hitting the town or cuddling up in front of the TV.
• Food shopping for a Zombie is simple if not always cheap. You will never find a Zombie partner embracing the vegetarian or vegan lifestyle, so cooking is much easier, just keep lots of fresh meat in the freezer.
• If your relationship starts to fall apart start carrying around a staple gun or needle and thread. A nose or ear dropping into your soup at the fancy restaurant may be considered bad taste.
• Dinner parties with your partner’s friends can take some getting used to. Zombie guests will often leave trails of blood or other dirty substances across the carpet as they lurch around your house and their table manners often leave a lot to be desired.
• Mind your head. Zombies love you for your brain above all things. And if you aren’t ready to share it wear a helmet or thick cap when you are together.
• Be wary of your choice of movies that you watch with your partner. They may see many horror movies as biased against their lifestyle. It may be handy to keep a few around just in case the relationship turns sour and you need some tips on ending the partnership.
• Jealousy may strike during your relationship. The living may not understand your love or another member of the Zombie horde might try and force their way into your life. A committed relationship will outlast the angry mob.
• At some point your partner may start pushing for you to take the plunge and join them in the Zombie lifestyle. Stay firm in yourbeliefs and be sure of your choices. Remember: once you are infected you can’t go back.
• The only way to get out of a bad relationship with a Zombie is to destroy their brain or sever their spinal cord. For this reason your relationship toolbox should include a shotgun or shovel.
• If your relationship has come to a close don’t fret, there are plenty more attractive young Zombies ready to be your life partner.

White Zombie: Thunder Kiss ’65