Beaus with Bel – 10 Tips For Dating a Zombie

Published October 27, 2010
Category: By the Bel

Bel Says:

I’ve been looking up survival guides on getting through Zombie invasions. You know what I’ve noticed?? Not one of the sites has a list on what to do if you fall for one of them.
I mean c’mon, there is a SERIOUS drought of single, well mannered, genteel, people of the male persuasion. Surely one of the rambling dead has to be a better bet than one of those drunk losers in the Valley, late on a Friday night. He would even open a car door for his lady friend. Yes, he may want to do it so he can get to you, but at least he opened the door. In today’s society, that’s classed as manners, which in my books shows higher brain function than the moron who tells you to shake that sweet ass on the dance floor at 3am.
So, I’m going to go through and reword the meanings of some of the more pertinent warnings or suggestions from a couple of the lists I found so that, if you do happen to be looking to fall for a Zombie, you’ll know what to do.
10. Don’t be a hero — The hero is the most irritating person in the room, thinking every Zombie is a bad guy, and trying to separate all the ‘damsels in distress’ from their possible hook ups. You may push people out of the way, but only in the pursuit of your one true love.
9. Think before you act — Always a good tip. Pick the freshest Zombie in the room. A gas mask isn’t exactly on the fashion must have list for summer.
8. The buddy system — Stick with your buddies, but avoid his.
7. Choose your weapons wisely — Glade is the key word here. The guy is a rotting corpse—you’ll need a wide range of deodorizers to aid in masking his musk. Avoid scents based on food. This may turn you off your favourite dessert if the relationship doesn’t last.
6. Be ready to move — Not everyone is going to be thrilled for you and your betrothed, you may have to take an extended leave to avoid those pesky lynch mobs.
5. Stay in Shape — Catch and ‘kiss’ may be his favourite game, so be ready to run… for your life.
4. Silence is golden — He’s lacking in the higher brain functions ladies—he’ll be the strong, silent type. The less he says, the less stupid he’ll sound.
3. Duct tape is silver — If anything like a finger or an arm falls off, you can’t get much better for reattachment than duct tape. Strong, durable and, as long as he’s not a gangster who wears lots of gold, he’ll be accessorized perfectly.
2. Fire — Why? Mainly because it’s romantic, but if he goes in for the kill and doesn’t take no or a good walloping for an answer, at least the best cure for a Zombie attack is close at hand.
1. Distance is key — Absence makes the heart grow fonder, so don’t let him near your brains and he’ll want you all the more for it.
Hope these tips helped. Good luck!